5 reasons why parents should never force their kids to say "sorry”

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A simple “sorry” can sometimes seem like the quickest fix after a child makes a mistake or hurts someone. It’s what many have been taught — apologise and move on.

But what if this age-old practice of forcing children to say sorry is actually backfiring?

What if it’s teaching something quite opposite to what’s intended — not empathy, but obligation?

In parenting, not every good-sounding habit is genuinely beneficial. Let’s dig into the lesser-spoken, research-backed reasons why gently guiding a child is far more powerful than pressuring them to utter an apology they may not understand or mean.

1. Saying ‘sorry’ doesn’t always mean feeling sorry

Many children, especially under the age of 7, are still developing emotional intelligence. According to child psychologists, their ability to grasp the concept of remorse grows slowly — it’s not immediate. When they’re made to say sorry before they understand what went wrong, the words become automatic rather than authentic.

In truth, this builds a habit of emotional masking — children learn to say the right words to avoid consequences, rather than truly reflecting on their actions. Over time, this can weaken their ability to connect actions with feelings, making apologies feel like empty rituals.

It might seem like a child is being taught kindness, but a forced apology can often trigger shame rather than understanding. In the moment of being told to say sorry, what a child may actually feel is humiliation, especially if corrected in front of others.

The deeper problem is this: when shame replaces reflection, the brain tends to shut down its learning process. Studies in child behaviour show that shame can cause a child to retreat inward or become defensive, neither of which supports long-term emotional growth or empathy.

3. Apologies without understanding block accountability

Real accountability doesn’t start with words — it starts with awareness. If a child pushes a peer and is immediately told, “Say sorry,” the focus shifts from “Why did that happen?” to “How do I fix this quickly?”

This shortcut skips the most valuable part of conflict resolution — understanding consequences. Instead of reflecting on why the behaviour was hurtful, the child learns to avoid discomfort by using a rehearsed phrase. Over time, this dulls emotional learning and makes it harder to truly recognise right from wrong.

4. Social pressure can damage confidence

Often, apologies are expected publicly — in classrooms, family gatherings, or playgrounds. For a sensitive child, being made to say sorry under pressure can feel like a performance. When this becomes routine, it can quietly chip away at self-esteem.

A 2016 review in Developmental Psychology highlighted how children who are consistently forced to conform to social scripts (like apologising on demand) are more likely to struggle with assertiveness and emotional boundary-setting as they grow. Rather than building character, this habit can teach suppression.

5. Real repair comes from modelling, not mandating

Children watch everything. When caregivers model genuine apologies — ones that come with explanations and empathy — children learn naturally. Instead of forcing a sorry, walking through the situation with the child can help spark a deeper understanding.

For example, a simple conversation like “Look, Maya is crying. What do you think happened?” invites reflection. This method is backed by parenting experts who emphasise the value of co-regulation — helping children recognise emotions first, so they can respond with kindness voluntarily, not mechanically.