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Ah, Christmas – the most wonderful time of the year! A time for family, food and those awkward conversations that somehow seem to pop up at the dining table.
While we all love a good trifle, a glass of something sparkling and a tree stacked with gifts beneath it, there are a few things that should never escape your lips if you want to survive the festive season with your dignity (and your relationship with Aunt Gertrude) intact.
So, without further ado, here’s a handy guide to what not to say at the Christmas dinner table this year. Trust us; your future self will thank you.
“So, when are you getting married?”
Ah yes, the classic. The moment your aunt takes a bite of her third helping of mashed potatoes, she’s bound to launch this one. Whether you’re single, dating, or in a ‘situationship’ that even your therapist can’t fully explain, this question is the Christmas equivalent of pulling the proverbial pin on a grenade. So, if you value your peace of mind, just nod and say, ‘I’m still waiting for my Hogwarts letter, I’ll get married when I learn how to cast spells.’
“I think I gained five pounds just looking at this food”
No one needs to hear your body-image anxiety after 5 bowls of peppermint tart. Sure, you may have eaten enough to feed a small village, but that doesn’t mean you have to announce it like you’re starring in a reality TV show about dieting. Instead, just enjoy the food, give a thumbs-up to the cook, and quietly regret your decisions later. Christmas calories don’t count anyway, right?
“I don’t really like Christmas music.”
If you dare utter this sentence, you’ll likely find yourself exiled to the guest room, or worse, the garage, where you’ll spend the evening trying to avoid hearing ‘Last Christmas’ for the 27th time. Christmas music is a cultural institution, even if it’s the same 10 songs on repeat. If you don’t want to end up in an awkward standoff with grandma, maybe keep this hot take to yourself – or at least wait until January.
“Does anyone want to discuss politics?”
While everyone might be stuffed with food, bringing up politics is about as wise as asking grandma to drive the car after two shots. Sure, you might be passionate, but no one needs to hear your opinion on current affairs when your uncle is already on his fourth glass of wine. Instead, why not focus on the more pressing matter of whether or not you’re getting a second serving of dessert?
“Who forgot to bring the Brussels sprouts?”
Nobody wants the Brussels sprouts, but no one should be the one to say it. Just let them sit there, lonely on the side of the plate, until they mysteriously vanish. Pointing out that the sprouts are absent is a direct route to a Christmas table disaster. If they’re missing, it’s for a reason – we all know that reason is ‘because they’re brussels sprouts,’ but we’ll pretend we’re above such harsh judgement.
“I don’t believe in Santa anymore.”
This is the Christmas equivalent of spiking the drinks with disappointment. Whether you’re 6 or 60, no one wants to hear this at the table. Just let the magic of Christmas live on in all its jolly glory. If you’re feeling that rebellious, save it for your therapist or your TikTok account later.
“Can we just eat and get this over with?”
No, you can’t. Christmas lunch is not a ‘quick bite’ experience. It’s a marathon. A multi-course, hours-long affair filled with long-winded conversations about how ‘time flies’ and ‘you’ve grown so much since last Christmas!’ So, sit back, relax, and embrace the chaos. The gammon will wait, and so will the conversation about how much your cousin ‘has changed’ in the last year.
This holiday season, let’s remember that Christmas is a time for love, joy and not saying anything that’ll get you put on the naughty list for next year. So, be merry, avoid controversial topics, and remember, when in doubt, just compliment the food. It’s a foolproof strategy.
Happy holidays, and may your Christmas dinner be filled with laughter, love, and at least one mildly inappropriate joke (but just one).
Compiled by Aiden Daries
First published by Cape Town Etc
Also read:The Etzebeths officially welcome the festive season with Christmas decorations | Bona Magazine
