Siya Kolisi’s divorce underscores the strains fame imposes on personal relationships, complicating emotional connections and authenticity.
Everything comes at an opportunity cost and this week’s announcement that Springbok captain Siya Kolisi will divorce from his wife Rachel highlighted the challenges faced by high-profile individuals when it comes to managing and maintaining personal relationships.
Despite the couple’s separation, described as amicable in a joint statement, the pressures of fame and a life that is constantly in the public eye cannot be underestimated.
Rugby’s constant demand on Kolisi
Since lifting the World Cup for the first time six years ago, it’s been the daily grind for Kolisi and his family.
The Kolisi divorce announcement came shortly after his return from France, where he had been playing for Racing 92.
The constant travel, highstakes matches and public demands likely placed considerable strain on his marriage.
Psychologist Dr Jonathan Redelinghuys said the challenges of fame like Kolisi’s can be subtle but persistent, often born from significant changes in lifestyle, the expectations of others and personal pressures that accompany it.
“Being a public figure,” he said, “especially in South Africa where sports stars are national symbols, adds the first layer of pressure.
“You’re not just an individual any more; you represent something larger than yourself.”
“The expectations to always be a role model, to always perform and to never show weakness can strain any interpersonal relationship, particularly if one partner feels left out of the limelight.”
Along with the profile comes fame. It can be a double-edged sword according to Redelinghuys. “It can inflate the ego, whether intentionally or not,” he said.
“It can create a dynamic where the famous person is constantly surrounded by admirers and individuals seeking their attention, which can make them feel invincible or above ordinary relationship problems.
“This shift in self-perception can make it difficult for them to engage in the kind of vulnerable, equal partnerships that are necessary for a healthy relationship.”
This includes relating to old friendships forged before fame and even, at times, family members.
He added that on top of that, the more famous someone becomes, the harder it is to maintain authenticity in personal relationships.
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Questions around why partners are drawn to icons
“It often leads to questions about why people are drawn to them. This can be whether it’s because of who they are as a person, or because of their elevated status in society and, of course, all the media attention.”
For Kolisi, who rose to great fame quickly, not only as a world-class athlete but as a national icon, this question becomes particularly relevant.
“It’s not just the fame; it’s the constant spotlight, the idolisation from fans and the increased scrutiny on every aspect of his life,” Redelinghuys said.
“A partner might also end up feeling sidelined or question their own place in the relationship, which can create distance over time.”
Jealousy can be a cause. “Famous individuals are often surrounded by the most attractive, charismatic people,” said Redelinghuys.
“It takes an enormous amount of emotional strength and self-awareness to resist those temptations and, at its opposite, for a partner to manage their own emotions.”
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The role of a difficult upbringing
Kolisi has also often spoken publicly about the trauma of his childhood, noting post-traumatic stress from his experiences growing up in poverty.
Last year, in an interview with Welsh international Dan Biggar, published by the Daily Mail, he said: “I had to go to marriage counselling because I couldn’t give everything to my wife, because my heart was so hard and I didn’t know how to speak.
“In my late 20s, I started talking to someone and the first time I went she said: ‘You are damaged in every level. The stuff that you saw is not normal.’”
While fame and success may offer a form of temporary relief, unresolved emotional baggage from those early years can resurface, particularly in intimate relationships.
“Coming from humble beginnings and suddenly being thrust into a world of privilege can be jarring. For many individuals, this shape shift in life can bring about feelings of inadequacy or imposter syndrome, even as they achieve great success.
“The internal conflict between their past and their present can lead to heightened stress, which inevitably also impacts their personal relationships,” Redelinghuys said.
“It’s never a single reason why couples split and the trappings of being a public personality present a multiplex of challenges.”
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