Do you regularly drop the F(inances) word with friends? For many, ‘money talk’ with loved ones is more of a ‘never go near’ than the actual ‘F-bomb’, as Sanlam’s recent Dirtiest Word campaign revealed. Sanlam’s campaign is centred on getting South Africans to talk about the one thing most of us don’t want to – the F-word, our finances.
As part of Sanlam’s Dirtiest Word research, 47% of people said their main discomfort around discussing finances with friends stems from a belief that money should be private. A further 23% avoid money-talk so they don’t show off, and 22% fear it could lead to requests for financial help. But author and personal finance expert Sam Beckbessinger says honest conversations can help us feel less “weird and broken” about money. “Don’t treat it like a competition. Be honest about your messy bits.
“Share your actual budget, not your fantasy one. Just be kind and curious, and remember, we’re all figuring this stuff out as we go. The best thing that happens when we open up to others is the realisation that we’re not alone.”
Mariska Oosthuizen, Chief Marketing Officer, echoes that open money talk can strengthen relationships, mental well-being, and financial decision-making, although it’s not always easy. “Our research showed 21% of people feel insecure because they believe their friends have more money, and 20% feel pressured to ‘keep up’.”
Keeping Up with the Friends
Beckbessinger says money talk is often taboo because we tie it to our self-worth. “It’s wrapped up in shame, fear, and that sneaky voice saying, ‘everyone else has it figured out but you.’ The antidote? Be brave and go first. Start small: ‘Hey, I’m trying to save for a house. Anyone else freaking out about property prices?’”
We’re wired to copy each other, she adds. “Even spreadsheet-wielding money nerds feel the urge to upgrade just because their ‘tjomma’ bought a toaster with a screen. But left unchecked, that impulse can drain your bank account. The fix? Figure out what you actually want – not Instagram-you, real-you. Then build a financial plan to make it happen.
“Without a clear idea of your values and goals, it’s dangerously easy to chase someone else’s by default. Start by asking what you care enough about to save for. What future are you trying to build? Having a bold goal makes it easier to say no to impulse buys and yes to choices that move you forward. Small sacrifices stop feeling like deprivation and start feeling like momentum.”
Unfollow the Fantasy Reels
Beckbessinger calls social media a fantasy highlights reel: “For all you know, someone could actually be drowning in debt and subsisting off expired noodles and tomato sauce. We now compare ourselves to the world’s richest – you can go online right now and see what Beyonce’s guest bathroom looks like. Unfollow what makes you feel inadequate. Mute influencers. Spend less time online and more with people who value real connection over performative brunches. Real connection doesn’t require spending money.”
Compassion Over Comparison
Licensed therapist and mental health advocate, Luxolo Isabelle Dywili agrees and shares some tips for self-compassion-based rather than comparison-based financial habits:
- Practice gratitude: Focus on what you already have instead of what you lack.
- Mindful spending: Ask yourself, “Is this purchase aligned with my values, or am I doing it to fit in?
- Financial affirmations: Replace negative self-talk with statements like, “I am making choices that support my long-term financial well-being.”
- Therapeutic journaling: Write about your relationship with money to uncover limiting beliefs and reframe them.
She also advocates framing money talk around mutual experiences, while avoiding giving unsolicited financial advice. “Normalise financial boundaries in a way that doesn’t centre on shame. Be transparent about your limitations. If a topic feels uncomfortable, it’s fine to say, ‘I’d rather not discuss that’. The same goes for experiences. If it feels unaffordable, just say, ‘That sounds fun, but I’m sticking to a budget this month; can we meet somewhere else?’ Being upfront and confident in your financial boundaries teaches others to respect them. True friends will understand and appreciate your honesty.”
Friendship: The Most Valuable Asset
Beckbessinger says, “People start out with different hands in life, so lead with curiosity, not judgment. Your friendships are valuable, so value them. They’re good for your health and happiness, and they literally help you live longer.”
Oosthuizen adds, “Comparison can be the thief of friendship, preventing us from leaning on and learning from each other. Compassion-led conversation – for self and one’s friends – is the best way to deepen a relationship and feel less alone. As Sam says, we’re all just figuring it out, so let’s figure it out together.”
